Blue_jester and the Kingdom of Crystal Meth

23-05-2008


So, myself and the girlfriend went to see the new Indiana Jones movie last night. I am a huge fan of the old three, in fact I would rank the last one in the top five movies of all time. Yes I am probably getting insults fired at me right now for saying something that stupid, but it is just a great movie. However that Lucas bastard should never ever be allowed to write anything ever again.

Okay, I wasn't expecting another "Last Crusade" from it, but a "Temple of Doom" would have been nice and that is the worst of the three movies. But no, Lucas proved that he can once again take a childhood classic trilogy and utterly destroy it by thinking that anything he writes is brilliant.

I am not a fanboy of Star Wars, truth be told I found them boring and predictable. That whole shock twist was obvious a mile back. But I can understand how people were enraged at the pre-trilogy that came out recently. It clearly was Lucas thinking he was some sort of genius and that the fans would just eat whatever shit they were force fed.

Seems like the man had the same idea when writing (and I use that word very very loosely) this Indy movie.

SPOILER TYPE STUFF FROM HERE ON DOWN. STOP IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE

Okay. So the actor aged and they aged the character accordingly. That is fine, in fact that is probably one of the things a lot of people wanted to go and see the movie for, to catch up with an old friend and see how his life had gone.

It just went out of control after that. There was a sub-plot type thing involving KGB and FBI agents that looked like it was going to be the movie and wound up being nothing at all, not even a lead in to something else. It was just thrown in and then forgotten about later on.

He has a son. Okay, that bit is fine. The fact he didn't know about him is fine too, that gets explained. The kid's name is Henry Jones the third. Um...okay, I think that joke was used already. The kid decided he didn't like his name and picked his own: Mutt. NOW THAT JOKE MOST DEFINITELY WAS DONE BEFORE! Mutt, as in dog. What was Indiana's dog named? The one he had fond memories of? What was his real first name again? Jesus Christ Lucas try and come up with a new joke will ya!

Overall the movie was a rehash of all the best jokes from the first three movies with heavy helpings of cheese and a plot you figured out just after the opening credits. But worse, it was like Lucas sat down and said to his writers "I want a new Indiana movie, but with the X-files in it, oh and a sword fighting scene like from that Pirates movie, the one with the jungle. Oh and because I can't think of anything else, throw in a few of the plot devices from the previous movies. Plus, let's get rid of the Nazi lot and have Russians as the bad guys. Oh and rather than have actual subplots, let's just have a lot of plots and we will pick the best ones as we go along and sort of just ignore the other ones. Oh and I want the Fonze to be in it, or as close a character to him as we can legally get without being sued. Now pass me that crystal meth will ya? I have more shit to force feed down peoples' throats and more childhood legends to destroy in my quest to become the biggest pimple on the arse of the world!"

The worst thing of all? They have a fifth one planned. Things can only go downhill.

If you haven't seen it yet, don't bother. Don't even wait for a dvd release of the film. Don't even wait for it to be one T.V. some Christmas. Stick to the old ones, preserve the cool that was Indiana Jones (which for some reason he is only ever refered to about three times in the movie) and preserve your happy memories of a good set of movies.

Lucas, you owe me two hours of life!

Blue_jester