The Festive Rant

16-12-2009

Come on, it's that time of year again. Sleigh bells burning in an open fire. A Christmas Shopping rant from The Jester. It all goes hand in hand. This year I have decided to go with a slightly different approach to my telling off of the shopping masses. I have selected a few targets of people to vent at, thus completing my festive duties for the year.



Pedestrian Light Jumpers:

No, this is not festively dressed traffic lights (although that would be cool) it is the idiots that can't wait a minute or two before being told to safely cross the road. Now, I am no saint. I have been known to jump the lights in my time, figuring that I could be across the road before the green man decides to show up, but during a busy shopping season I don't do this. Mainly because the streets are going to be packed and that means it is less likely that you will get across the road before the big ass bus squashes you dead. D.E.D - DEAD! Yet at every set of lights today at least ten people all had the same idea at the same second to run across the road in front of cars, causing beeping and braking and all crazy manners of screaming.

All for a few seconds of not waiting. Idiots!



Cyclists:

Sticking with the traffic light theme I want to now target cyclists. I know the plight of the pedal pushers, really I do. I used to be one of them, riding my bike to and from work and having every asshole in a car seem to disregard the inside lane's occupants on two wheels. But when I was growing up my parents made damn sure that if I road a bike on the road I knew the rules and followed them. One of those rules is that you stop at a red light and go at a green one.

It's a fairly simple rule.

One that I stuck to when riding around the place. But for some reason cyclists in the city seem to think that a red light for cars is only for cars. Which of course it isn't, it is for anything that is moving along the road and using the lights. I don't care if you do manage to weave your way around the crowd of people that are crossing the street while the green man flashes everyone, you aren't allowed to do that.

Three times today this happened. Green man comes up, the crowds move, the intersection/junction/bit-with-people-walking is flooded and a cyclist just keeps on going, breaking the red light and pushing through the crowd. Making people run to get out of his way.

This sorta shit pisses me off. You can't have a group of cyclists complaining in newspapers that nobody pays them any respect on the road if they don't follow the very rules of the road that are meant to be respected.

As it happened Bike Dickhead #3 (BD3) got a bit lippy with me.

See as I crossed the road I thought I had dropped something so I stopped and looked down on the ground, hearing a screech of bike brakes right beside me.

"Watch where you're fucking going," BD3 shouts at me. Shouts!

I looked up a little shocked, look at the traffic lights, see that the green man is still fully lit up and look back at BD3.

"You broke a red light, I have right of way," I said calmly.

"Doesn't give you the right to get in my fucking way," says BD3.

Now, let me point out that this arsehole was riding one of those new Dublin City bikes that are dotted around the city, the rent a bike scheme.

I leaned in a little bit and smiled at BD3.

"No, but it does give me the right to get that bike and shove it so far up your arse that the council will charge you for loosing or damaging their property you stupid prick. Red lights apply to cyclists and there is a garda on the corner right there who will back me up on that so fuck off now and save me the trouble of having to tell you to."

I didn't bother waiting for a response since the green man had started to flash, indicating that in about ten seconds my right of way wouldn't be there anymore.

But I swear to christ if I had of been in a worse mood I would have slapped that moron in the face.

Stupid Prick.

Don't go telling me the rules when you A) don't know them yourself and B) don't follow them.



Amblers:

I know the streets are busy. I know somebody on the other end of your phonecall gives a rats ass about what you are saying. But for the love of God you can't just stop walking without giving some sort of warning. Worse you can't stop walking when there is no way to get around you. This goes double for people pushing prams!



Charity People:

I am a grumpy looking bastard by nature when I am shopping. I find that it makes me less approachable on the street and thus will get me to and from my destinations when I want to get in and out of shops quickly. I make my list before leaving the house, know where I need to go, go there and get home.

End Of.

I also get that there are people out their a lot worse off than me. But I have been known to give to the beggar's cup as I walk by. In fact many people know that I have a hatred (for some reason, can't really figure out why) for copper coins. But it is still good money, so I save them in a shopping bag and when it is heavy enough give it to a homeless person. That's usually about five or ten euro they get.

At Christmas charity people are out in force, hounding and jumping and hopping around the place trying to get donations. Fair play I say to them. A few brave ones even jumped into my path today.

"Hi how are you got a minute!" said in hyper voices with no punctuation given.

I smile and say "Sorry" and walk on.

One bright spark decided that this wasn't an acceptable answer.

I get they are doing good work but the rules of engagement are clear on this matter. Get the person's attention and see if they are interested. If they are happy days, if they say they are not then move on to the next victim. Most people don't even smile and say sorry, they flat ignore the charity people.

Anyway bright spark decided to fall in step with me as I walked along. I politely reiterated that I wasn't interested at which point he made a brave move. He commented on my jacket, said it looked expensive.

Clearly he was going for the "guilt" line of donations.

I stopped walking and looked at him. Your typical rich kid going out into the streets to do some good work so that he feels good about himself. Complete with iPhone hanging from his belt with a little leather case.

I replied "Not as expensive as that iPhone you have there." and walked away, content that I had been victorious over a charity worker.

Then I dropped a euro into a homeless guys cup, because that is how I roll.



In the end I have most of the shopping done, with one or two bits left to pick up. But at least I am nearly done.

God I hate shopping at Christmas time. I think I will get all my stuff for next year in Jan, that way I won't have anything to worry about by Dec.

Blue_jester

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